In 1967, John Lennon wrote a song called, "All You Need Is Love." He also shell both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish director with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and in one case had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an unabridged twenty-four hours.

Thirty-v years later, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails wrote a song chosen "Love Is Not Enough." Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking phase performances and his grotesque and disturbing videos, got clean from all drugs and booze, married i woman, had two children with her, and so canceled entire albums and tours so that he could stay home and exist a good hubby and father.

One of these two men had a clear and realistic understanding of dearest. One of them did not. One of these men arcadian dearest equally the solution to all of his problems. One of them did not. One of these men was probably a narcissistic asshole. One of them was not.

In our civilization, many of us idealize love. Nosotros see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life's problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it equally life's ultimate goal, the terminal solution for all of our pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. Every bit a upshot, our relationships pay a toll.

When we believe that "all nosotros need is love," and then like Lennon, nosotros're more likely to ignore primal values such as respect, humility, and commitment towards the people nosotros care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff—all of the hard stuff?

Merely if, similar Reznor, we believe that "love is non enough," and then we understand that healthy relationships crave more than than pure emotion or lofty passions. We sympathise that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply beingness in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.

The problem with idealizing beloved is that it causes usa to develop unrealistic expectations nearly what honey really is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we agree dear in the start identify.

Let me to illustrate:

one. Love Does Non Equal Compatibility

Only considering you fall in love with someone doesn't necessarily mean they're a proficient partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process. Compatibility is a logical process. And the two don't bleed into one another very well.

It's possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn't care for us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn't hold the same respect for us equally we do for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring u.s. down with them.

Abstract painting love is not enough

Information technology's possible to autumn in dear with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds dissimilar philosophical beliefs or worldviews that clash with our own sense of reality.

It's possible to fall in love with somebody who sucks for us and our happiness.

That may sound paradoxical, merely it's true.

When I call up of all of the disastrous relationships I've seen or people accept emailed me virtually, many (or most) of them were entered into on the basis of emotion—they felt that "spark" and so they merely dove in head showtime. Forget that he was a born-over again Christian alcoholic and she was an acid-dropping bisexual necrophiliac. It only felt right.

And and so six months later, when she's throwing his shit out onto the lawn and he'southward praying to Jesus twelve times a 24-hour interval for her salvation, they expect around and wonder, "Gee, where did it go incorrect?"

The truth is, it went incorrect before it even began.

When dating and looking for a partner, you must use not only your heart, but your listen. Yes, you lot want to notice someone who makes your centre flutter and your farts smell like ruddy popsicles. Just you also need to evaluate a person's values, how they treat themselves, how they treat those close to them, their ambitions, and their worldviews in general.

Because if you fall in love with someone who is incompatible with you lot… well, every bit the ski instructor from Southward Park once said, you're going to have a bad fourth dimension.

2. Love Does Not Solve Your Human relationship Problems

My offset girlfriend and I were madly in dearest with each other. We as well lived in different cities, had no money to run into each other, had families who hated each other, and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama and fighting.

Man and woman kissing love is not enough

And every time we fought, we'd come dorsum to each other the side by side twenty-four hours and make up and remind each other how crazy we were about i some other and that none of those little things affair considering we're omg sooooooo in love and we'll find a way to work information technology out and everything volition be great, simply y'all wait and see. Our love made us feel like we were overcoming our issues, when on a practical level, absolutely nil had changed.

As you lot tin can imagine, none of our problems got resolved. The fights repeated themselves. The arguments got worse. Our inability to always see each other hung around our necks like an albatross. We were both cocky-absorbed to the point where nosotros couldn't even communicate that finer. Hours and hours talking on the phone with aught actually said. Looking back, there was no hope that it was going to last. Withal we kept it up for three fucking years!

After all, honey conquers all, correct?

Unsurprisingly, that relationship burst into flames and crashed like the Hindenburg into an oil patch. The break up was ugly. And the big lesson I took away from it was this:

This is how a toxic relationship works. The roller coaster of emotions is intoxicating, each loftier feeling fifty-fifty more of import and more valid than the one before, just unless at that place'southward a stable and practical foundation beneath your feet, that ascension tide of emotion will somewhen come and wash it all abroad.

3. Love Is Not Always Worth Sacrificing Yourself For

One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your ain needs to aid care for another person and their needs too.

But the question that doesn't get asked often enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it?

Sad girl realizing that love is not enough

In loving relationships, information technology's normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their own time for 1 another. I would fence that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a relationship and then great.

But when it comes to sacrificing 1'south self-respect, one's nobility, one's concrete torso, one'due south ambitions and life purpose, only to be with someone, then that same love becomes problematic. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage information technology or supplant it.

If we notice ourselves in situations where we're tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, then that's substantially what we're doing: we're allowing our beloved to swallow us and negate us, and if we're not careful, it will leave us a beat out of the person we in one case were.

One of the oldest pieces of relationship advice in the book is, "You and your partner should be all-time friends." Most people look at that piece of communication in the positive: I should spend time with my partner like I exercise with my best friend, I should communicate openly with my partner similar I exercise with my best friend, I should have fun with my partner similar I do with my all-time friend.

But people should also wait at it in the negative:

Amazingly, when we ask ourselves this question honestly, in most unhealthy and codependent relationships, the answer is "no."

I know a young woman who simply got married. She was madly in love with her married man. And despite the fact that he had been "between jobs" for more than a yr, showed no involvement in planning the hymeneals, frequently ditched her to accept surfing trips with his friends, and her friends and family unit raised not-so-subtle concerns most him, she happily married him anyway.

But in one case the emotional loftier of the wedding wore off, reality set in. A year into their marriage, he's still "betwixt jobs," he trashes the house while she'due south at piece of work, gets angry if she doesn't melt dinner for him, and any time she complains he tells her that she'southward "spoiled" and "arrogant." Oh, and he yet ditches her to take surfing trips with his friends.

And she got into this state of affairs because she ignored all 3 of the harsh truths above. She arcadian love. Despite existence slapped in the face by all of the red flags he raised while dating him, she believed that their dear signaled human relationship compatibility. It didn't. When her friends and family raised concerns leading up to the nuptials, she believed that their love would solve their problems eventually. Information technology didn't. And now that everything had fallen into a steaming shit heap, she approached her friends for advice on how she could sacrifice herself fifty-fifty more to make information technology work.

And the truth is, it won't.

Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships?

Imagine if your best friend moved in with you, trashed your place, refused to become a job or pay rent, demanded you melt dinner for them, and got angry and yelled at yous any time you complained. That friendship would be over faster than Paris Hilton'southward acting career.

Or another state of affairs: a man's girlfriend who was so jealous that she demanded passwords to all of his accounts and insisted on accompanying him on his business trips to brand sure he wasn't tempted by other women. This woman was like the NSA. His life was practically under 24/7 surveillance and you could run into it wearing on his self-esteem. His self-worth dropped to nada. She didn't trust him to do anything. So he quit trusting himself to do annihilation.

Still he stays with her! Why? Because he's in beloved!

Think this:

You tin fall in love with a wide diversity of people throughout the course of your life. You tin can fall in dearest with people who are adept for yous and people who are bad for you. Y'all can autumn in dear in salubrious ways and unhealthy ways. You lot can autumn in love when you're young and when you're onetime. Dearest is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not deficient.

But your cocky-respect is. So is your dignity. And then is your ability to trust. At that place tin can potentially exist many loves throughout your life, only once y'all lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.

Dear is a wonderful experience. Information technology's i of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and bask.

Just like whatever other feel, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Like whatever other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities, or our life purpose. We cannot permit it consume united states of america. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment nosotros do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.

Because yous demand more in life than dear. Love is bully. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. Just love is not enough.